 When I first met y’all (and by “met”I mean “started putting what I was feeling into words online for anyone to read,and you all started reading &commenting”),I was in a period of life I refer to as:
“AAAAHHHH everything’s changing and I’m getting older and nothing is the way I thought it would be;I just want to run away or turn back time just somehow make things better NOW –UUUGGHHH it hurts!!!” In other words,I was in a very uncertain time of life,when I was disillusioned,unhappy,searching and restless. I hated my job (and then didn’t have one at all for a while),my living situation was up in the air,I bemoaned my lonely single-ness,and even good possibilities caused me drama and panic. Within that,I ran away to Australia for my “nomadic”stage of life. I arrived in cities with no plan,no reservations and knowing no one;I made friends along the way,lived every day minute by minute,and forgot all my big life-worries. It was great…and the introspection it fostered led to me writing for Stratejoy about my “quarterlife crisis.” That,in turn,helped me feel supported &much less alone,and led me through it to the other,happier,calmer side. But y’all know all that. Point is,as shitty and/or crazy as some of those times were,they were needed seasons of my life. And now,I’m in a whole different season –I think it’s my nesting season. As I’ve said,I have a home,a job,a dog,and now a car that I love. I’m not only content but HAPPY where I am. Friends ask me,“what’s your next trip going to be? What adventures are on your horizon?”and it’s not that I don’t want to travel more (oh gracious,I want to travel EVERYWHERE),but I’m not feeling restless and unsettled anymore;I’m patient that more travel will come in good time. My current adventures involve being a dog mommy and volunteering in my church,and growing my knowledge of Photoshop to design cooler invites,menus,etc at work. Sound boring? Maybe to you. But I’m peaceful for the first time in a long,long time. I’m not content in an “I’ve settled”way,I’m content in a truly “at peace”way. I’ve done a lot of awesome things,I’ve mourned my losses,forgiven my heartbreakers,run until I couldn’t run any farther,and turned back to the waiting arms of my God. I know life has many more adventures for me –my wanderlust is simply resting –and I’m storing up this lovely calm to fuel me when more excitement spurs me on. Life is so good. So for any of you that are in a different season of life –if you’re struggling to keep up or aching to let go or fearful of all the unknowns –remember,it’s only a season and seasons always change. For everything there is a season,and a time for every purpose under heaven. - Ecclesiastes 3:1 
Today I am so happy &grateful for/that:
- a really nice dinner &conversation last night
- friends &even acquaintances pulling for me
- new,soul-stirring music
- my boss’s patience
- being given the right words to help a friend
- the best doggie cuddles &kisses ever
- “If He carries the world,He can carry me”
- delicious coffee,roasted by a friend &given as a gift 
leave me a comment or tweet your list with #spreadgratitude 
 Homesickness has been creeping around the edges of my days like yellow on an old photograph.
As much as I love my little house –which is all mine,cozy,cute and perfect –and as much as I enjoy my job,an achy emptiness keeps sneaking up on me. I’m homesick not for a place,but for people. I’m homesick for family. I want to have coffee with my mom,on her back deck. I want to have a beer and listen to steel drums by my Aunt &Uncle’s pool. I want Baxter to meet Gabby,my dad’s dog,and play a rowdy game of fetch with my brother. I do love California,but I really wish it was on the east coast sometimes,instead of a 3 day drive or expensive flight away. It’s been a year since my plans to move to DC were disrupted;I’m glad I stayed –SO much good stuff has happened in the last year –and I’m not sure if it’s the timing that’s making me feel this way,or if it’s something more. I think part of it is being a puppy momma &wanting to share him with the people I love most. I wish they were just a quick (or even long –a few hours would be fine!) drive away. Maybe it’s time for a Skype date with my momma,and to book my ticket home for Christmas,before prices get too out of hand. Maybe that will get this missing in check. 
“We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that death will tremble to take us.” ~Charles Bukowski
This past weekend,I lived life well. Friday drinks in honor of a friend in from out of town,Baxter sitting at our feet quietly,a furry chick magnet luring girls in miniskirts to stop and coo. Ah,if only I was a lesbian. Saturday road trip to Santa Barbara for a friend’s birthday,a sunny drive accompanied by a “This American Life”show that convinced us Phil Collins should definitely hang out with us. Wine tasting and beer flights and beachy,sandy naps punctuated by laughter,heartfelt conversation,and texts from my dogsitter,falling in love by the minute. Pizza,beer,bonfires and the soundtrack of a rowdy neighbor’s party. Sunday hike along rocky terrain,crossing rivers to an impressive,though crowded,waterfall. An exhausted and stubborn dog,adventurer turned spoiled child. Great conversation over Chinese noodles and lemonade,hot pavement our yellow brick road through a farmer’s market. Monday productive day off setting appointments,making phone calls. Long walk with a tired but happy dog. Discussing my character with the screenwriter/director,feeling the thrill of a new project. Doggy cuddle couch time and beers with a supportive friend. Sometimes I feel like I’m not living life to it’s VERY FULLEST –why am I not traversing the globe,creating and selling my art every day,challenging the status quo with every decision I make,why isn’t my life epic and novel-esque?? And then I realize,a life well-lived is not just about cramming as much as you can into the short,limited years we have here,but about enjoying and appreciating every moment,all the little things,all the smiles and cuddles and mini-achievements that make up a day. And when I look at it that way,my life is epically full of joy and adventure and learning,every day. 
 
 In an act of heart-bursting,tear-stained,smitten and impulsive abandon,I adopted a dog last weekend. He’s a scruffy little shelter dog who’d been found as a mangy stray and ignored at the shelter in favor of the “cuter”dogs. The ladies at the adoption tried to convince me to adopt another dog over him,but there was something about his hopeful stare and rambunctious spirit,and the fact that –maybe I was imagining it –as I petted the other dogs,he watched me,powerless and sad. His fate was sealed when an adorable older lady literally started crying when she thought I was adopting the other dog;once I knew they were both getting homes,into my arms he jumped.
And now he’s Baxter Humphrey Pickles III. My little gentleman. He jumps like a jack-in-the-box and tries to stand on his hind legs. After I bathed him,he did a little happy dance shimmy. He’s got major separation anxiety we’re working through;his favorite thing in the universe is to fall asleep on my lap,limp and warm like a fuzzy blanket,or twitching and moaning in dreams. His kisses are sloppy and exuberant,he stares at me with wonder and joy,he smells like pure dog. I’m completely in love. A few months back,when I was writing for Stratejoy,I was asked to imagine my future. I imagined a life living in my own lovely home with a garden,working at a creative job with two sleeping dogs at my feet. The other day at work,I looked around in the middle of designing an invitation in Photoshop,at the sun pouring in the window next to me and the two sleeping dogs (Baxter and my boss’s dog) on the carpet. And I thought of how I now live in a garden studio and outside my door is a grapevine,fig tree,mulberry bush,lemon tree,and roses and daisies and palm trees. I have 99% of the life I imagined. I know I’ve been remiss in writing. I love and appreciate those of you that’ve told me you miss my blog. The truth is,I miss it too –I miss the exercise of writing and the fulfillment of comments. I miss the fact that it made me think more,deeper,happier everyday. The truth is,I’ve opened my blog to a blank entry many,many times the past few months,and just stared,at a loss for words. But tonight,with a sleeping dog on my lap,his tiny heart beating against my leg,Bob Dylan playing and a glass of wine in hand,words are pouring out. Finally. I can’t say that I’ll be checking in with you everyday again –life is too full to make promises like that –but I would really like to rekindle our relationship. I am so grateful. My heart is so full. 
 I heard an inspiring story on NPR this morning (fancy that) about two female musicians in Pakistan who are creating and performing despite the violent religious extremisim in their country,which heavily disapproves of female performers and has resulted in recent high-profile murders.
Not only was their music lovely,they maintained an optimism and hope through it,calling one song,“The Happy Song.” Their outlook is this: “Despite everything,there are beautiful things happening in this country,”Zeb says,“there are moments of happiness,there’s happiness all around,so we thought it might actually be nice to bring that together into a song.”
If they can see the joy,so can we. To read the story and listen to one of their beautiful songs,click here. 
 Gratitude is powerful. It can open our eyes to the world around us,and,even more importantly,to the good things around us. It’s a tool we all have –all of us –to create a happier life,if we choose to use it.
However,gratitude doesn’t always come naturally to us. As children,we often took things for granted,not knowing how lucky we were to be taken care of,and as adults,we’ve been conditioned to guard against the bad rather than looking for the good. Even if you make an effort to express gratitude,it can be difficult to find a true feeling of thankfulness in your piles of bills,responsibilities and errands. That’s because you’re doing it wrong. Wait,wait,don’t haul off and slap me –it’s an easy fix. You just have to shift the way you look at it. Top 5 most common gratitude killers: 5. Going it alone. Gratitude is meant to be shared. It is,in fact,saying thank you,and you don’t just say thank you to no one. If you’re grateful for something someone did for you,tell them. If you’re grateful for something you did for yourself,pat yourself on the back and be proud. If you’re grateful for something random,like sunshine,tell your God or The Universe or just shout it to the world:THANK YOU. When you connect with others in a grateful way,you’re giving love and you’ll soon notice how much love others are giving you too. 4. Impatience. Gratitude isn’t going to change your life overnight. If you go to bed saying “I’m so grateful for my job,”that doesn’t mean that the next day when your boss is being an ass it won’t irritate you. It’s not a fix-all,it’s just a change in the way you see things;a grateful perspective is a gradual shift. You have to grow into it and,just like the puppy that chews on everything and then snuggles up to you,it’s going to be difficult at first and you’re going to want to give up on it,but give it a little more time and it’ll grow on you to the point where you can’t imagine life without it. 3. Hidden negatives. Gratitude gains momentum by what you say and how you say it. I find most people,when first starting to express gratitude (I’ve been totally guilty of this),are hiding little negatives and holding on to a little bitterness in their thanks. It doesn’t work that way,people. If you say,“I’m so grateful I haven’t been laid off”that’s going to make you focus on the idea of being laid off,not the gratitude of having a job. This one can be tricky to discover because we’re so used to slipping little negatives into our everyday conversation,as half-jokes and self-depreciating,commiserating stabs. Instead of “I’m so grateful I cheated on my diet for a doughnut,it was worth it,”say “I’m so grateful that I enjoyed every delicious bite of my doughnut treat today.” Instead of “I’m so grateful I didn’t get into an accident today even though I almost got hit,”say,“I’m so grateful I have good driving instincts and made it home safely.” Cardinal rule:If it makes you feel bad,sounds sarcastic,or brings up negative thoughts,it’s not really gratitude. 2. Not feeling it. Gratitude is easy to talk about,but feeling it can be much more elusive. It’s a whole new plane of being,feeling gratitude;we tend to notice negative emotions more strongly than positive ones because they’re so uncomfortable. But it’s important to feel good when you’re thinking about gratitude and give it positive power. When I’m not feeling it,I employ the “fake it til you make it”method and smile. It’s amazing how much joy is stored in the muscle memory of smiling;just making myself smile while I write down my gratitudes brings me a warm and fuzzy feeling and I’m conditioning myself to feel that way about gratitude. 1. Pollyanna. Gratitude doesn’t exist if you’re lying. If something is bad in your life,just admit it. You don’t have to say things are ok when they’re not;in fact,that will always,100% of the time,make you feel worse instead of better. Gratitude is about honesty and if you’re honestly not feeling good about something,that’s ok,let it be –there are ten zillion (yes,that’s a scientific number taken from your current life) other reasons to be grateful. Gratitude is not about forcing yourself to say you’re happy,power through it,ignore the bad (ugh that’s an awful and fake way to live!) but about allowing the negative to exist,because it always will,and choosing to focus on more positive things. If you’re in a bad situation,like you’re losing your job,at first you may only be able to feel gratitude for unrelated things like coffee,warm slippers,and a glass of wine;however,the more you practice gratitude,the more you will find yourself able to feel thankful for having experienced the job in the first place,it being time for a new chapter in your life,and the possibilities that are now open to you. Don’t force that sort of gratitude;if you’re not feeling good about it,just let it be. Be honest,patient,positive,feel happy and spread the love,and you will build a mindset in which gratitude will thrive and initiate a lifestyle of joy. 
[photo source]
Gratitude is easy when things are good. When I wake up to a favorite song,clear skin,a good hair day and an easy commute,it is so easy to feel happy and grateful. But when I have to drag myself out of bed,am sprouting a new zit,and almost get into an accident,it’s a lot harder to feel thankful. And it gets exponentially more difficult with every challenge life throws at us. I had a lovely realization when I was sick as a dog last week,holed up in my new apartment I couldn’t even enjoy,sure I’d be fired from my great new job because of missing two days in my second week. I realized that even though things were definitely not good,gratitude came sneaking in uninvited. I felt grateful I was in my new place without roommates,so I could stumble to the bathroom in my underwear. Grateful that I had moved the majority of my things,and all my furniture,just the day before. Grateful for internet on my phone so I could look up my symptoms. Grateful for friends nearby that brought me food,gatorade,tylenol,and movies. Grateful that I would feel better in 24-48 hours. I was miserable and I was grateful. This would not have been the case a year ago. I have been known to whine. When I’m feeling bad,I can be a big baby,pouting woe-is-me,and the closest thing to gratitude I find is “well it could be worse,at least I don’t have (insert horrific incurable disease here)”said in an almost sarcastic,self-pitying tone that negates any true thankfulness that statement might’ve expressed. But this time,I didn’t have to trick myself into expressing gratitude;I didn’t wallow in the lack of it. I felt grateful before I even recognized that’s how I was feeling. Y’all,over the last few years of consistently looking for gratitude,I have trained my brain to find it when I’m not even looking. Kind of incredible. 
So sorry I’ve been absent,y’all. Here’s the equation of my life this week: Moving day + No internet at the new place (yet) + Stomach bug (fever x ickiness / exhaustion) + Missing two days of work in a busy busy event-full period = No time or energy for anything. At. All. I’m sorry I’ve missed a whole week and I will be back Monday,hopefully feeling 100% like myself,caught up and moved in. Hope your weeks were lovely and much better than mine!  
| |
